Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
