Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
