Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
