Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
