He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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