the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
