where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
No stitches, just platelets and will power
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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