the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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