Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
