when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
