Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
