I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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