im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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