Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
