Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
