I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
