Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
