it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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