First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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