I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
