So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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