I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
