have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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