i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
