The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
