WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
