I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
