I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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