I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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