i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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