Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
As shirtless as possible
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
