Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises