I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
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dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
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apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.