i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
