my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
