you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
