Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
