My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
