I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
