Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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