So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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