girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
