I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Is it penis luge time yet?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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