Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
