Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
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I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
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He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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