My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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