My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
