I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
