You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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