I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
