my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
