I think i sorta joined a cult last night
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
