Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Randomize
