College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
