saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
