Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Sorry my hands just texted you
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
